Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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