Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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