Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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