Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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