Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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