Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
