if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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