Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
