my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
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Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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