There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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