once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
