Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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