3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
