i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
