I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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