Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
