I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
