omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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