My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
