yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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