you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
