I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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