so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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