um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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