I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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