My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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