This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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