It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
