This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
