My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
