and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
