dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
