True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
