You can't special order awesome
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
