There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
