I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
