if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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