please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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