She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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