I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
