im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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