you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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