I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
only you would photoshop your dick
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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