I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just gargled with NyQuil
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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