Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
