Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
