today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
