I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
