So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
