you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
