Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
