i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
