And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Randomize
