My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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