My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
